99.999% Guaranteed Downtime

Your packets may arrive… or not. Who knows? 🤷‍♂️

Our "Features"

Blazing Fast Latency

Milliseconds feel like hours! Timeout guaranteed.

DOWN

Redundant Power

Two hamsters, one wheel. What could go wrong?

CRITICAL

Packet Loss Mastery

We lose packets so well, we should win awards!

PERFECT

99.999% Downtime

Consistent failure is still consistency!

DOWN

Global Packet Vacation

Your data is probably sightseeing somewhere nice.

???

Precision Chaos

When we break things, we break them properly.

WORKING

System Status 📈

All Systems Critical

Uptime (Last 24 Hours)

Current: 0.001%

Packet Loss Rate

Current: 99.999%

Pricing Plans 💸

Free Tier

$0/month
  • ❌ Don't expect anything
  • ❌ No support (obviously)
  • ❌ Guaranteed downtime
  • ✅ Weekly apology emails
Most Popular!

Pro Tier

$99/month
  • ❌ Twice the downtime
  • ❌ Half the support
  • ❌ Premium packet loss
  • ✅ Bi-weekly apology emails
  • ✅ Fancy error messages

Enterprise

$999/month
  • ❓ We don't know what this means
  • ❓ You pay anyway
  • ❌ Still no support
  • ✅ Daily apology emails
  • ✅ Dedicated failure manager

* All subscriptions come with a complimentary apology email once a week.

What Our Customers Say 🗣️

"I've never seen anything work so badly! It's almost impressive."

- Anonymous Customer

"SLAZero exceeded my expectations by having no expectations at all."

- Disappointed Developer

"Finally, a service that's honest about its incompetence!"

- Reformed Optimist

Contact Us (Good Luck) 📧

Other Ways to Reach Us

  • 📞 Phone: 1-800-NO-HOPE
  • 📧 Email: [email protected]
  • 📮 Mail: /dev/null
  • 🐦 Twitter: @SLAZeroNet (Account Suspended)