Blazing Fast Latency
Milliseconds feel like hours! Timeout guaranteed.
DOWN
99.999% Guaranteed Downtime
Your packets may arrive… or not. Who knows? 🤷♂️
☁️
Our "Features"
Redundant Power
Two hamsters, one wheel. What could go wrong?
CRITICAL
Packet Loss Mastery
We lose packets so well, we should win awards!
PERFECT
99.999% Downtime
Consistent failure is still consistency!
DOWN
Global Packet Vacation
Your data is probably sightseeing somewhere nice.
???
Precision Chaos
When we break things, we break them properly.
WORKING
System Status 📈
All Systems Critical
Uptime (Last 24 Hours)
Current: 0.001%
Packet Loss Rate
Current: 99.999%
Pricing Plans 💸
Free Tier
$0/month
- ❌ Don't expect anything
- ❌ No support (obviously)
- ❌ Guaranteed downtime
- ✅ Weekly apology emails
Most Popular!
Pro Tier
$99/month
- ❌ Twice the downtime
- ❌ Half the support
- ❌ Premium packet loss
- ✅ Bi-weekly apology emails
- ✅ Fancy error messages
Enterprise
$999/month
- ❓ We don't know what this means
- ❓ You pay anyway
- ❌ Still no support
- ✅ Daily apology emails
- ✅ Dedicated failure manager
* All subscriptions come with a complimentary apology email once a week.
What Our Customers Say 🗣️
"I've never seen anything work so badly! It's almost impressive."
- Anonymous Customer"SLAZero exceeded my expectations by having no expectations at all."
- Disappointed Developer"Finally, a service that's honest about its incompetence!"
- Reformed OptimistContact Us (Good Luck) 📧
Other Ways to Reach Us
- 📞 Phone: 1-800-NO-HOPE
- 📧 Email: [email protected]
- 📮 Mail: /dev/null
- 🐦 Twitter: @SLAZeroNet (Account Suspended)